Category: Blog

Growing up in a very, very small town has its advantages and its challenges. The advantages include relative safety and a strong sense of community. Challenges can be macro or micro in nature depending upon your age and situation. One challenge I endured and was shaped by was my last name.

Now my last name in and of itself really wasn’t a big deal. It wasn’t particularly common but not the kind of name you expect to be teased over either unless you have two cousins who are older than yourself that share your last name. And these two cousins have created a persona around your last name that is less than desirable. This was the case for me and as I look back on it, I can see how much it impacted me from the time I entered elementary school until I was out of high school.

From the time I was about five, my mother told me stories about how these two cousins were mercilessly teased about our last name and how they both failed every class in school. Now, I was a quiet, shy little girl. The thought of being made fun of for any reason let alone my last name was horrifying. I couldn’t change my name although I can tell you I asked my mom if we could. How sad. I just wanted to be me—not automatically presumed to be just one more                          coming up the ranks of the school system. The older cousin was much older and was in high school when I began first grade. However, the other was just two years older than myself and she failed a grade so that meant she was just one year ahead of me in school. If she was held back again, we would be in the same grade.

I began first grade as a hypervigilant 6 year old and remained in that state through high school and beyond. The first day of each school year was the same. Each new teacher’s first question was “oh, are you                    ‘s little sister?” To which I would quickly say, “no, she is my cousin” and shamefully, I would also say, “she’s adopted.” (She was, they both were.) I’m sure those teachers thought it was odd that I would make such a statement but I grew tired of believing I had to prove myself over and over and over. Prove I was capable of making good grades, prove I was capable of behaving myself in class and otherwise, prove I was worthy of acceptance and respect. This one issue was a primary catalyst that set into motion a lifetime of trying to prove I am worthy of acceptance.

I believed I had to be the perfect student making perfect scores on everything—every effort had to manifest into a perfect score. I made an inner vow that I would prove to my teacher and everyone else that I was smart. I memorized volumes of material as I got older in order to regurgitate it on test papers. However, I also felt like I needed to stay in the background—not draw too much attention to myself. I believed if I made straight A’s and remained below the radar so to speak, I could avoid being made fun of simply because of my last name.

Now this story may sound crazy to some of you. But I bet there are a few of you who can relate. It may not be your last name that was the impetus of your childhood anxiety but you can relate to being an approval addict always striving for perfection—always performing. Perhaps like me, you remember sometimes feeling like you were watching yourself go through life as if you were watching a TV program or a play.

I found myself prompted to share this story with a young woman the other day. First time I had recounted it in a while—it may very well have been the first time I have told it. As I was hearing the words come out of my mouth I realized again how sad the whole story really is and how tormented I felt as a little girl through early adulthood and beyond. Thankfully, I came to realize I am called to live not perform.

I believe if we perform too long we can lose ourselves. A day can come when we are no longer able to distinguish our authentic selves from the performer and our life can feel very empty and meaningless. If you find yourself in this situation there is only one answer—Jesus.

And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death—even death on a cross!

Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name,  that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth,  and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. Phil 2:8-11

You see, the name of Jesus is above every name. We are not called to be perfect or attempt to perform our way through life. We are simply called to bow down and acknowledge that Jesus is our Lord and Savior. When we begin to bow down and call on the name of Jesus we find the strength through Christ to step down off the tightrope.

In case you are wondering, no, I really never did get “branded” because I shared the same last name with my cousins. I have only one memory of someone referring to me using the hurtful label. What did happen is that I wasted a lot of time worrying about it happening. I held myself back socially, drove myself incessantly over obtaining excellent scores in school and secretly carried the burden of fear and anger over this for years.

You see, I so desperately wanted to be accepted by my peers and by the adults in my life, I falsely believed I had to perform at an impeccable level in order for that to happen. I allowed an extraneous situation to permeate my daily life and literally change how I lived.

If anything has caused or is causing you to believe you will never measure up please know this is a lie and you were never intended to live a life striving for perfection. We are not to strive for relevance but righteousness.

Whoever pursues righteousness and love finds life, prosperity and honor. Proverbs 21:21

Yes, there is power in a name and that name girlfriend, is Jesus. Amen.

C. Deni Johnson

One of my girlfriends texted me a few months ago to say her husband was laid off again. This is the third time in 3 years. Fortunately they have been very wise with their money for the past three decades and are able to weather the storm of unemployment financially. However, the impact emotionally and mentally is draining for them and I believe the older we are, the greater the toll and concern.

Fortunately, a few weeks ago my friend’s husband received a new job offer. As she was sharing this good news over lunch, one of our other friends commented, “The waiting room is a hard place to be.” What a great word picture. The waiting room is a hard place to be! I don’t know about you but waiting has always been stressful for me literally and figuratively. I grow increasingly impatient in the wait and seconds can feel like hours and if the wait draws out to days, weeks or months I struggle to keep panic at bay. My natural instinct is to make a move, make a decision, to do something—anything—NOW. I find myself currently in such a season. The temptation to make something happen, to take matters into my own hands is so overwhelming some days.

Perhaps the waiting room is a test—a purpose-filled pause. A time to wait on the Lord and be still. (Psalm 46:10) A time to trust and be thankful not allowing trepidation to overpower our minds and consequently convince us to move ahead anyway. I’ve done the latter many times and the outcome is never ideal and in some circumstances costly in many ways.

Jesus, I pray your strength today for all of us in the waiting room. May we sit at your feet and seek you with all our hearts. May we not allow the enemy to convince us we are missing out on something by remaining steadfast in our wait. May we give thanks in the wait knowing your plans are always perfect and always on time. Amen!

C. Deni Johnson

Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him. Psalm 127:3 (NLT)

As I’ve watched my daughter care for her first baby and the adoration I see in her eyes for this beautiful and perfect baby girl, I am struck by this thought:

“The way she feels right now as she holds this baby in her arms and as she gazes into those newborn eyes, is how I still feel when I look at my adult children. Those intense feelings of absolute, unconditional love never change with time.”

It’s kind of funny you know, we often can’t wait to have a family of our own. We dream of holding our newborn in our arms and contemplate all the wonderful memories we will make. Then we bring home our baby and in those first months we dream of having a night of uninterrupted sleep. Each day evaporates into a soon forgotten memory. We no sooner get one baby sleeping through the night and partially potty trained when we add another to the fold. And we start over again with sleepless nights.

We find ourselves longing for the day when we can enroll them in preschool then kindergarten. We dream about having some time to ourselves again to pursue those things that we once enjoyed before the demands of motherhood.

Soon we find ourselves culling through Thursday folders, placing all kinds of artwork on the fridge door and filling our calendars with parent/teacher meetings, soccer games and dance lessons. We begin looking forward to the day when we don’t have elementary aged children and they will be a little more independent.

Orthodontics, acne treatments and mood swings sometimes welcomes us into the middle school years. Friends become a key component of our children’s daily lives and we, as parents, find ourselves asking a lot of questions and making every effort to know who our children are befriending. The pressure is beginning regarding making school sanctioned teams, good grades and finding a niche within the school. Everyone desires to belong, no one wants to be an outcast. Our weekends and at least one or two nights a week are spent carpooling to practices, games and competitions of all kinds. These are interesting and mostly fun times. We begin to think about the day when our children are old to drive so they can drive themselves to practice and maybe drop the other children off at their practices too.

The high school years mean we have children in the house that might be as tall or taller than us and eat a lot and often. Hopefully our house is the house where everyone wants to hang out so we find ourselves feeding them too and we don’t mind. We find ourselves as parents trying to renegotiate some house rules and suddenly we need to provide a little privacy—not too much—just enough whatever that means. Now we are volunteering with booster clubs, discussing possible college destinations and what that means regarding high school class selections. We have boyfriends, girlfriends and drama. We are picking out prom dresses, prom tuxes and buying corsages. But we don’t have to drive them to practices anymore.

Whether our children attend college or not when they turn 18 the culture says they are legally an adult. More than likely we still support them financially at some level for a while but our role has subtly and forever changed. All the years we spent looking ahead to the next step, the next accomplishment, the next goal—we are there. Good, bad or indifferent we are there. Not to say we will never have any influence on our children again but it will never be the same. We raised them to launch them and as exciting as it sounded at the time I found it excruciating when it actually happened.

Funny, I have a lot of time to myself these days and I’d give anything for a Thursday folder to review or a soccer, basketball or band practice to drive to and patiently wait for them to finish. I would love to have family meals to plan and prepare and maybe some big parties to host for the basketball team. I never really wished for my children to quickly grow up because I knew all too soon they would. And they did.

The following Trace Adkins’ song brought me to tears when my husband and daughter danced to it at her wedding. It still does…

Then They Do

In the early rush of morning

Trying to get the kids to school

One’s hangin’ on my shirt tail

The other’s locked up in her room

And I’m yellin’ up the stairs

“Stop worrying about your hair, you look fine”

Then they’re fightin’ in the back seat

And I’m playing referee

Now someone’s gotta go

The moment that we leave

And everybody’s late

I swear I can’t wait ’til they grow up

Then they do

And that’s how it is

It’s just quiet in the morning

Can’t believe how much you miss

All they do

And all they did

You want all the dreams they’ve dreamed of to come true

Then they do

Now the youngest is starting college

She’ll be leaving in the fall

And Brianna’s latest boyfriend

Called to ask if we could talk

And I’ve got the impression

That he’s about the pop the question any day

I look over at their pictures

Sittin’ in their frames

I see them as babies I guess that’ll never change

You pray all their lives

That someday they will find happiness

Then they do

And that’s how it is

It’s just quiet in the morning

Can’t believe how much you miss

All they do

And all they did

You want all the dreams they’ve dreamed of to come true

Then they do

No more Monday PTAs

No more carpools or soccer games

Your work is done

Now you’ve got time that’s all your own

You’ve been waiting for so long

For those days to come

Then they do

And that’s how it is

It’s just quiet in the morning

Can’t believe how much you miss

All they do

And all they did

You want all the dreams they’ve dreamed of to come true

Then they do

Oh, and then they do

(Songwriters Jim Collins, Cathy Majeski, Sunny Russ; Published by Lyrics © SPIRIT MUSIC GROUP)

C. Deni Johnson

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. (Ephesians 6:10-17)

Let me be completely transparent here. I grew up in a denomination that, in my experience, didn’t really give much acknowledgement to the “spiritual forces of evil” and unfortunately, neither was there much acknowledgement of the power of the Holy Spirit. I didn’t say hell and damnation wasn’t preached—it was and it scared me terribly. I heard plenty about the consequences of sin but little about the enemy of my joy and peace. I entered my forties not having a clear understanding of the power of the Holy Spirit and the influence of satan. I thought people who proclaimed they were battling evil forces were just copping-out and those talking too much about the Holy Spirit were a little weird. Thankfully that all changed when we began attending a church that very clearly acknowledges both and very clearly teaches how to rebuke one and embrace the other.

Scripture is very clear about our role as believers. We are to love the Lord with all our heart, mind and soul (Matthew 22:37 NIV), we are to study the Word of God in order to better understand who God is and who we are in Him. We are called to be salt and light to a dark world (Matthew 5:13-14 NIV) and we are not to attempt to do so in our own strength (Isaiah 40:31 NIV). Paul is very clear in Ephesians 6 that we have been given the tools, the armor as scripture states to survive in a world hell-bent on destroying us. Note Paul doesn’t say find a good place to hide with the armor of God and hope for the best. No, Paul tells us to stand our ground—stand firm. I believe it has never been more important for those of us who follow Jesus to stand firm. Friends, the days of evil are upon us.

I’ve lived long enough to see the devastating effects of the enemy’s work in our country let alone around the world. So many people have accepted the ideology that there exists no real truth. Truth merely is self-defined and fluid. We value the life of animals more than human life growing in the womb. We live in a culture that puts credence in the words and opinions of celebrities but are quick to denounce the Bible as ancient, flawed and of no value in a modern world. And some go one step further claiming those who believe in Christ and the Bible are uneducated and gullible.

It appears we are more concerned with being politically correct rather than being concerned that we are becoming morally liquidated. We have a media system that devotes hours of video and dogma about how young adults are weeping in the streets over the outcome of an election but we must ask where’s the outrage over the plight of the homeless, the hungry, the trafficked and the unborn? Why don’t we see daily ongoing coverage of the atrocities happening underneath our noses every day? Media and politicians aside, are we as followers of Christ going into our communities and making a difference? If we don’t who will?

It’s time to get up off our lazy butts and out of our holy huddles and stand. Stand in the name of Christ for what is right, just and fair (Proverbs 1:3). Stand in love but nevertheless stand.

Wise Sayings of Solomon

A Manual for Living

 ^1-6 These are the wise sayings of Solomon, David’s son, Israel’s king— Written down so we’ll know how to live well and right, to understand what life means and where it’s going; A manual for living, for learning what’s right and just and fair; To teach the inexperienced the ropes and give our young people a grasp on reality. There’s something here also for seasoned men and women, still a thing or two for the experienced to learn— Fresh wisdom to probe and penetrate,     the rhymes and reasons of wise men and women.

Start with God

⁷ Start with God—the first step in learning is bowing down to God; only fools thumb their noses at such wisdom and learning.

^8-19 Pay close attention, friend, to what your father tells you; never forget what you learned at your mother’s knee. Wear their counsel like flowers in your hair,     like rings on your fingers. Dear friend, if bad companions tempt you, don’t go along with them. If they say—“Let’s go out and raise some hell. Let’s beat up some old man, mug some old woman. Let’s pick them clean and get them ready for their funerals. We’ll load up on top-quality loot. We’ll haul it home by the truckload. Join us for the time of your life! With us, it’s share and share alike!”— Oh, friend, don’t give them a second look; don’t listen to them for a minute. They’re racing to a very bad end, hurrying to ruin everything they lay hands on. Nobody robs a bank with everyone watching, Yet that’s what these people are doing— they’re doing themselves in. When you grab all you can get, that’s what happens:  the more you get, the less you are.

Lady Wisdom

^20-21 Lady Wisdom goes out in the street and shouts.  At the town center she makes her speech. In the middle of the traffic she takes her stand.  At the busiest corner she calls out:

^22-24 “Simpletons! How long will you wallow in ignorance?  Cynics! How long will you feed your cynicism? Idiots! How long will you refuse to learn? About face! I can revise your life. Look, I’m ready to pour out my spirit on you; I’m ready to tell you all I know. As it is, I’ve called, but you’ve turned a deaf ear; I’ve reached out to you, but you’ve ignored me.

^25-28 “Since you laugh at my counsel and make a joke of my advice, How can I take you seriously? I’ll turn the tables and joke about your troubles! What if the roof falls in, and your whole life goes to pieces? What if catastrophe strikes and there’s nothing to show for your life but rubble and ashes? You’ll need me then. You’ll call for me, but don’t expect an answer. No matter how hard you look, you won’t find me.

^29-33 “Because you hated Knowledge and had nothing to do with the Fear-of-God, Because you wouldn’t take my advice and brushed aside all my offers to train you, Well, you’ve made your bed—now lie in it; you wanted your own way—now, how do you like it? Don’t you see what happens, you simpletons, you idiots?     Carelessness kills; complacency is murder. First pay attention to me, and then relax. Now you can take it easy—you’re in good hands.”

Proverbs 1:1-33 (The Message)

Sweet Jesus, we pray for Godly wisdom not worldly insight. Let us put on your full armor and boldly march into this new year with a battle cry for what is right and just and fair. Let us not be idle made impotent by our worldly idols that merely desensitize us to those things that break your heart. Amen.

C. Deni Johnson

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

Matthew 7:1-5

“Don’t judge me” has been a popular credo forever. Many folks will quote or paraphrase Matthew 7:1 in order to back up their demand and/or defend their actions. And it is true that Jesus tells us in these first 5 verses of Matthew 7 not to judge others or we too will be judged at the same level. That we, as believers, are to avoid being hypocrites who walk around pointing out the faults and failures of others while knowing full well we have our own. And honestly, our faults and failures may very well be worse.

So what exactly was Jesus saying in this passage? Is he giving carte blanche to any behavior? Is he saying that everyone should just do whatever they want and as long they don’t judge others then they shouldn’t be judged? Nope.

I believe Jesus is saying to not be Pharisaic—pious, hypocritical. As believers we are mercifully forgiven and redeemed. Of all the people on planet earth, we should be the most loving, forgiving and merciful. As believers in Jesus Christ we are well aware of our shortcomings but unfortunately, our tendency can be to look at others (believers and otherwise), and tell ourselves that at least we aren’t doing or have never done this or that. This attitude isn’t our calling. We are called to be first responders. We are called to be in the world but not conformed to it. We are called to know who we are in Christ and love accordingly even if we don’t find someone particularly lovely. God knows I struggle with this just like you probably do. But struggle we must. If we simply check out, sit down so to speak and pat ourselves on the back for our self-perceived honorable behavior as Christians, then we may feel real holy in our personal bubble but we aren’t. And if we only spend our time with like-minded groups we call those holy huddles and they are just as ineffective. Jesus tells us not to judge because that’s His role. Scripture is very clear about our role:

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind; and, love your neighbor as yourself. Luke 10:27

When questioned by an “expert” in the law, Jesus told this story to explain who our neighbor is:

“A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he was attacked by robbers. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him and went away, leaving him half dead. A priest happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side.  So too, a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. But a Samaritan, as he traveled, came where the man was; and when he saw him, he took pity on him. He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his own donkey, brought him to an inn and took care of him. The next day he took out two denari and gave them to the innkeeper. ‘Look after him,’ he said, ‘and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have.’

“Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers?”

The expert in the law replied, “The one who had mercy on him.”

Jesus told him, “Go and do likewise.” Luke 10:30-37

Heavenly Father, forgive us for numbing our minds and hearts to those you have called us to help in YOUR name. Forgive us for sitting in our pious, holy huddles patting each other on the back for being such good followers of Christ as we watch the deterioration of our world around us and proclaim “someone should really do something about this.” May we find the courage to stand in YOUR name and be your hands and feet, filled with the fruit of the spirit—love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23). May your people be awakened! Send revelation, bring restoration—start with me Lord—here I am, send me! Amen.

C. Deni Johnson

The word change in the Christian vernacular is typically used interchangeably with other words such as transformation and conversion. The meaning of course is centered in the acceptance of Christ as our Lord and Savior. To be transformed by our salvation, converted or changed in the process—to be saved. I’ve heard that for some, the transformation or change from nonbeliever to believer is a sudden, radical turnabout in their lives. In seemingly an instant, their desires and behaviors line up with their new found faith in Christ. They choose a new path and set out to stay on it.

However, I’ve encountered so many young women who struggle with the guilt of slipping back into old habits, unhealthy relationships and feeling such a sense of failure in their Christian walk. I can look back to my early twenties and relate to those feelings and certainly I can still relate today for different reasons than back then but my journey, like every other Christian, is at times difficult and will never be perfect.

The key however, is to examine why we find ourselves doing the same things over and over—continuing to choose to live in a vicious cycle of repentance, sin, guilt, repentance, sin, guilt…this cycle is exhausting emotionally and physically.

Note I said choose. I believe this is where a lot of us get in the proverbial hamster wheel and believe we can’t get out. We just keep spinning around and around wishing we could get out but we fail to make a definitive choice. The hamster will never know it isn’t getting anywhere but we are painfully aware of our lack of progress. The question then becomes what are we going to do about it? For those of us who were or are steeped in the deepest muck and mire it can seem easier to just stay there. The process of real, lifelong change appears to require a lot of concerted effort. It does. That’s where the rubber hits the road as they say.

I believe most of us don’t experience life-giving change because we don’t really want to—deep down we may desire such change but we don’t have the resolution to make it happen. Simply put, we don’t have the discipline and we don’t really want to live disciplined lives. We are rebellious and self-serving. Am I saying it’s hopeless? Absolutely not! But until we learn to tell ourselves no, we won’t ever really tell Christ yes.

In a culture where the agenda has long been a push for believing that everything and anything is acceptable; I believe it has become increasingly more difficult to grasp the concept of self-denial—to understand and adhere to healthy boundaries regardless of what the world says. Our fleshly desires and behaviors aren’t new (Eccl. 1:9). It isn’t easy living in a world where we have access to anything but must be wise enough to choose the best things. But choose we must. As a young friend of mine recently said, “change comes one good decision after another.” I believe Angela’s statement contains a key component to our Christian walk—we live it out one good decision followed by another and then another and so on. Freedom in Christ is found in obedience and discipline not rebellion and denial. Real, recognizable change comes in small victories made one at a time. It is in this one-good-decision-at-a-time, over time, that we discover who we really are in Christ.

I can remember looking in the mirror, knowing I was a child of God but not seeing Him in my reflection at all. I wanted to change my course, I wanted to get off the destructive path I had chosen. I had allowed others to redefine me and I truly lost my sense of direction for a long time. I knew how to make poor, in the moment decisions, what I had to learn the hard way was to make better decisions ahead of time; one at a time over and over until I was back on course.

So as my husband loves to say, “here’s the net-net” of the situation:

The first most important decision to make, if you have not done so, is choose to accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior.

Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. John 14:6 (NIV)

Second, either buy a bible in a translation you like and understand, download an app or I like to use www.biblegateway.com for quick reference and study. Begin reading scripture every day and don’t get hung up on how much you are reading each day just read. Ask the Holy Spirit to give you revelation as you read. Be still before the Lord.

Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. Luke 9:23 (NIV)

Third, find a bible believing, bible teaching church who welcomes you with open arms. Those churches really do exist, I belong to one!

Finally, resolve to make those changes you know you need to make—one good decision at a time—over time—for all time. Amen.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!

2 Corinthians 5:17 (NIV)

C. Deni Johnson

 

As a child I took great care with my toys. I cherished each one and never wanted to damage any of them. Even after hours and hours of play my toys looked new. I guess it was no surprise then when I started school and the same care I placed on my toys I placed on my schoolbooks especially the crisp paperback workbooks issued at the beginning of the school year.

I have a very clear memory from probably the second grade involving one of those large, bound workbooks. Each day our teacher asked us to retrieve the book from our desk in order to “check” our homework. On one particular day I took notice of the condition of the students’ workbooks closest to me. They were worn, covers plastered with doodles and meaningless graffiti—the pages wrinkled. I then looked at my workbook and it looked new. Every page still crisp and the cover—front and back—free of any dirt let alone mindless scribbles from a 7 year old. The condition of my workbook had nothing to do with my adherence to homework assignments in the book. They were all complete. But instead of feeling good about the condition of my book I felt just the opposite. I began crinkling the first several pages of the book as quickly as I could when the teacher walked up to me and asked what I was doing. I have no idea what my response was but I stopped crumpling the pages.

I suppose I wanted to be like the other kids—I wanted to be a little careless and carefree but that simply wasn’t my disposition—in many respects that statement still holds true for me today. Inwardly I long for a sense of being carefree but instead I’m plagued with a hyper sense of cautiousness and conscientiousness. I lean toward being a “color within lines” kind of girl. I spend a lot of time and energy on making sure I maintain the baseline instead of raising the bar—holding too tightly to what I can see instead of trusting the Lord for those things I cannot see.

Of course being cautious and conscientious are not negative attributes unless they are personal strongholds to really living—to fully experiencing life. An unhealthy reckless life isn’t the answer but somewhere between that and a life stifled by fear and analysis paralysis is what I long for most days. Can anyone relate? I was taught to be a good girl and good girls always do the right and proper thing. I certainly would never advocate doing the wrong and inappropriate thing but I believe we are called to be adventurous not fainthearted as described in the following passages: (emphasis is mine)

This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It’s adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike “What’s next, Papa?” God’s Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who he is, and we know who we are: Father and children. And we know we are going to get what’s coming to us—an unbelievable inheritance! We go through exactly what Christ goes through. If we go through the hard times with him, then we’re certainly going to go through the good times with him! Romans 8:15-17 (The Message)

 When you are about to go into battle, the priest shall come forward and address the army. He shall say: “Hear, Israel: Today you are going into battle against your enemies. Do not be fainthearted or afraid; do not panic or be terrified by them. For the Lord your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory.” Deuteronomy 20:2-4 (NIV)

Webster’s defines fainthearted as “lacking courage or resolution…timid.” Funny, I’ve always considered myself as being courageously cautious…is that possible? I’m not sure! I think that is an oxymoron at its finest!

In Matthew, chapter 25, Jesus teaches about the talents or in other words money. The essence of this parable revolves around our obedience as Christ followers to invest ourselves in the Lord’s work. We, as believers, are not called to maintain the minimum and sit idly by and “bury” our God-given talents but rather, we are to risk investing ourselves in Kingdom work allowing the Holy Spirit to manifest multiplied fruit. The following is the parable as told in the book of Matthew in the Message translation (emphasis is mine):

“It’s also like a man going off on an extended trip. He called his servants together and delegated responsibilities. To one he gave five thousand dollars, to another two thousand, to a third one thousand, depending on their abilities. Then he left. Right off, the first servant went to work and doubled his master’s investment. The second did the same. But the man with the single thousand dug a hole and carefully buried his master’s money.

  “After a long absence, the master of those three servants came back and settled up with them. The one given five thousand dollars showed him how he had doubled his investment. His master commended him: ‘Good work! You did your job well. From now on be my partner.’

“The servant with the two thousand showed how he also had doubled his master’s investment. His master commended him: ‘Good work! You did your job well. From now on be my partner.’

“The servant given one thousand said, ‘Master, I know you have high standards and hate careless ways, that you demand the best and make no allowances for error. I was afraid I might disappoint you, so I found a good hiding place and secured your money. Here it is, safe and sound down to the last cent.’

“The master was furious. ‘That’s a terrible way to live! It’s criminal to live cautiously like that! If you knew I was after the best, why did you do less than the least? The least you could have done would have been to invest the sum with the bankers, where at least I would have gotten a little interest.

“‘Take the thousand and give it to the one who risked the most. And get rid of this “play-it-safe” who won’t go out on a limb. Throw him out into utter darkness.’

The following is an excerpt from Matthew Henry’s Commentary about the servant who hid his money/talent:

…if I have not made it more, as the others have done, yet this I can say, I have not made it less. This, he thinks, may serve to bring him off, if not with praise, yet with safety.

Clearly this example in scripture tells us we are not to merely strive for a life filled with examples of what we didn’t do or how well we played it safe. We are not called to mitigate our risk of potential failure, rejection or sacrifice. Instead, I believe we are called to crumple the pages in the name of Jesus—get a little messy in the trenches doing what only we, the Christian church, can do—proclaim the Good News that Jesus Christ is Lord and there is hope, power and restoration in the name of Jesus. We can no longer afford to sit in our pews or chairs and commend ourselves on how perfectly we look sitting there! We ARE to add more to the Kingdom not relish in the fact that perhaps, in our own minds, we have not made it less!

Nowhere in scripture are we admonished to sit in our holy huddles and proclaim that at least OUR proverbial covers are pristine, OUR pages are crisp. What are we saying? That we will not risk getting dirty so that in the end we can tell Jesus just how careful we were to keep His Word to ourselves? We didn’t get messy, we remained aloof to a world crying out for hope. We didn’t crumple any pages Jesus, but then, we didn’t make a difference either.

C. Deni Johnson

Given the time and place where I attended school there were basically two (cool) school-sanctioned, extra-curricular activity options for girls—cheerleading and basketball. I’m sure there were a few other fine opportunities but for me, at the time, I believed there were just these two.

Being a cheerleader wasn’t in the cards because you had to do all kinds of jumps and cartwheels and be, well, “cheerful.” I never could learn how to do a simple cartwheel and it appeared that being popular didn’t hurt when it came tryout time—I wasn’t unpopular but cheerleader popular—hardly.

So from the age of 10 or so, basketball was my thing—sort of. I wanted to be good at basketball but I really had no idea how to be good. I knew practice was important but that was boring and since I lived on a farm, a concrete surface was non-existent. Learning to dribble on gravel isn’t much fun since I spent a lot of time chasing down the ball after bouncing it off a big rock. I didn’t have a standard basketball goal either. My goal was homemade with plywood and wasn’t regulation height. I did have a regulation rim and ball. However, the lack of ideal conditions wasn’t really the issue for my lack of practice. I wanted to be a good basketball player but I had lots of other interests and focusing on one thing was difficult back then—it still is.

Interestingly, fifth grade was when students could try out for basketball and actually play real games against other schools. I remember standing in the gym the day the team was chosen. We lined up against a wall and the coach stood there with those precious jersey shirts and shorts in his hand. There were only so many to hand out and there were more of us than them. He called each girl’s name and soon the team roster was complete. I can still remember the agony waiting for my name to be called—then it was, sort of. I guess maybe because he felt sorry for me, the coach let me “share a suit” with another girl. She got to suit up for half of the games and I got to suit up for the other half. I wasn’t out, but I wasn’t exactly in either. I would sit on the bench sometimes wearing a team jersey sometimes in my street clothes. I would only go into the game if we were ahead by 20 or winning the game was hopeless.

This scenario played out over the course of the next 6 years until my senior year of high school. I practiced more between my junior and senior year than ever before and I did it on a concrete basketball court with a regulation height goal. I knew my skills had improved tremendously after spending 2-3 hours a day on my game.

I didn’t try out for the team.

After putting so much effort into getting better I simply couldn’t bear the thought of either not making the team or sitting on the bench another year. Also, the coach I’d been playing for resigned and a new coach would be evaluating everyone’s skill level. I simply had no confidence in my ability and the fear of more rejection outweighed the work I had done. I longed to be good at something and yet, sabotaged my opportunity to prove I had made significant progress.

Can you relate? Have you ever purposely sabotaged an opportunity out of the fear of rejection or failure? Sidelining yourself to avoid potentially being sidelined by someone else?

I wish I could say the basketball story is my only personal example of sidelining myself but honestly, I’ve benched myself over and over in order to avoid potential rejection, failure and even success. With the skill of a circus tightrope walker, I’ve balanced myself between the fear of success and the fear of failure—a benchwarmer taking comfort in just cheering for others knowing I won’t have the chance to fail but sadly, the truth is I won’t ever really have a chance to succeed either.

I guess it comes down to this—focus versus fear. Where do we place our focus and what are we to do with our fear?

First of all know that fear is derived from the pit of hell. Scripture tells us that our loving God hasn’t given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline (1 Timothy 1:7). Secondly, scripture is also clear on where we are to place our focus:

Those who think they can do it on their own end up obsessed with measuring their own moral muscle but never get around to exercising it in real life. Those who trust God’s action in them find that God’s Spirit is in them—living and breathing God! Obsession with self in these matters is a dead end; attention to God leads us out into the open, into a spacious, free life. Focusing on the self is the opposite of focusing on God. Anyone completely absorbed in self ignores God, ends up thinking more about self than God. That person ignores who God is and what he is doing. And God isn’t pleased at being ignored. Romans 8:5-8 (The Message) 

No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us. Philippians 3:13-14 (NLT) 

That’s why, when I heard of the solid trust you have in the Master Jesus and your outpouring of love to all the followers of Jesus, I couldn’t stop thanking God for you—every time I prayed, I’d think of you and give thanks. But I do more than thank. I ask—ask the God of our Master, Jesus Christ, the God of glory—to make you intelligent and discerning in knowing him personally, your eyes focused and clear, so that you can see exactly what it is he is calling you to do, grasp the immensity of this glorious way of life he has for his followers, oh, the utter extravagance of his work in us who trust him—endless energy, boundless strength! Ephesians 1:15-19 (The Message) 

Clearly by reading just these few examples and there are many more, our Heavenly Father tells us to focus on him and his plans for our lives. If we focus on ourselves then only our limitations either perceived or real will guide us and we may find we’ve traded the “spacious and free life” planned for us for a life spent on the bench—a life not fully lived. We are called to run the race, to get in the game, not stand or sit on the sideline and cheer others as they go by. Sure we should always encourage others along the way but we must fully embrace our God-given journey—we were not created to spend our lives waiting to go into the game. We are fully capable as daughters and sons of the Most High to suit up—our names have been called, we are on the starting team.

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10 (NIV)

C. Deni Johnson

I grew up in a place where most people lived a very simple life. Very few families within our community of 1200 would have been classified as having an upper middle class income and lifestyle. Of course there were those who were educated and had professional careers; some had technical training of some kind and then there were the ones simply born into large, established farming and/or ranching families that afforded them a good living. Neither my mom or dad had a college education nor did they have any technical training and also, neither came from money. Although I didn’t know it at the time, we probably met the classification of the working poor since my dad was a sharecropper and when he wasn’t in the fields, he built grain storage buildings for extra income—he probably never made more than a few dollars an hour.

I’m sure my parents struggled financially but they made sure we had food, a place to live and I had clothing and at least one new pair of shoes for school every year. As a very young child I don’t recall “knowing” we were living a very modest lifestyle but by the time I was 7 or 8, I became aware of the fact that we didn’t have much money. I wasn’t bothered or concerned but I could see there were many who lived much differently than us—some better off some not. I guess the school bus ride each day was the catalyst for this socioeconomic observation. Bus number 3 was my ride to and from elementary school each day but it was the hour ride home each afternoon that etched scenes into my memory that are as clear today as they were all those decades ago as I sat on the bus staring out the window.

Because I lived in a rural, farming community the bus routes contained at least a few treacherous dirt roads that were pocked with huge holes and deep ruts from tires and rain washout. I clearly remember two families who lived at the end of these types of rollercoaster roads. I also clearly remember the jeering and laughter of some of the kids on the bus each day as we pulled up to the shanties that were the homes of these children. They were the children of some of the poorest of the poor in the community and they were mercilessly taunted because of that fact. I remember feeling bad for them and deep down I began to also fear losing what little we had and becoming the fodder for humiliation. Fifty years later I guess I still do.

There existed an interesting dichotomy at this point in my life. As I became cognizant of the differences in socioeconomics so to speak, I also heard over and over how my dad was the kind of man who would “give you the shirt off his back.” I knew the gist concerning this statement. I knew my dad was loved in the community and seen as a man who was willing to help anyone in any way he could. He didn’t have much but he gave anyway. He must have sacrificed his time, effort and perhaps even money to the point that he was known as a shirt off his back kind of guy. I learned wealth isn’t necessary in order to give. A willing heart is.

A recent opportunity to help a friend brought these memories flooding back to the forefront of my mind. In the midst of the situation, I heard the Holy Spirit whisper to my soul, “live a shirt off your back life.” In other words, give sacrificially and often. I doubt my dad had the means to give monetarily at least not often, but he gave what he had—himself. He gave away his compassion, his talents, and his love for others.

I’m afraid even in our Christian community we think more in terms of “if you rub my back, I’ll rub yours” because we fear being taken advantage of. Well there will always be those who take advantage of others’ generosity but we are called to give anyway—I believe we are called to live a shirt off your back life.

Jesus sat down opposite the place where the offerings were put and watched the crowd putting their money into the temple treasury. Many rich people threw in large amounts. But a poor widow came and put in two very small copper coins, worth only a few cents.

Calling his disciples to him, Jesus said, “Truly I tell you, this poor widow has put more into the treasury than all the others. They all gave out of their wealth; but she, out of her poverty, put in everything—all she had to live on.”

(Mark 12:41-44 NIV)

Amen.

C. Deni Johnson

“Everybody write down five things about yourself that no one knows.”

Oh how I cringed every time I attended a women’s bible study or gathering for the first time and these words were spoken by the group leader. I knew the basic reasoning behind this exercise—to give everyone a chance to get to know each other a little better—to break the ice as we say.

Of course there are always the women who have such positive and interesting nuggets of information about themselves. You know the ones I’m talking about right? The women who won beauty pageant titles, served in the Peace Corps, backpacked through Europe in college, met their husband while on a mission trip to Africa, worked as a cruise director on a passenger ship, the list goes on.

However, each time I sat staring at my blank piece of paper all I could think about was the shock that would permeate the room if I told five things about myself no one knew. I simply couldn’t get beyond that notion. To write down and tell five facts about myself seemed frivolous at best and honestly, I thought it was dumb. I mean after all, the motive may have been to get people talking but the mere request lends itself to some women bragging and some women feeling unworthy of being a part of the group—an outcast.

Scripture describes a woman like that and to use American vernacular (at least when I was growing up), she wasn’t considered a nice girl. On the contrary, her reputation was ruined and she was relegated to being an outsider among her peers. Hanging out with her would, by association, mean you accepted her mistakes and condoned them. But condemnation was the only acceptable viewpoint in the community and she knew it and accepted her fate. She was ashamed of her actions and she kept to herself. Could she have named five things about herself that no one knew? Perhaps, but everyone knew enough and consequently she was shunned.

However, one simple trip to draw water—a trip she had made hundreds of times—would change her life forever. You see it was customary for women to gather socially to draw water each day. These daily trips to fill water containers may very well have been their only opportunity to talk to each other. Each day was no doubt filled with grueling work—there wasn’t running water from a tap, electric ovens to bake bread or a grocery store to buy staples. Every day began at dawn with a trip to the nearest well and every evening another trip for the day’s last supply of water. So it’s easy to imagine the few minutes walking to the well and waiting to fill their water vessels were perhaps precious moments for conversation. But not everyone was welcome to join this social group. There were stipulations to being a part of this early holy huddle and our unnamed Samaritan girlfriend knew she would never overcome the stigma of her mistakes and be acceptable in their eyes and hearts.

In order to avoid encountering the other women, she waited each day until they were back in their homes which meant she drew her water in the heat of midday. Suffering through the scorching heat was far preferable I’m sure than enduring the cold shoulder or worse from the other women. She didn’t want or need to be reminded of her failures. She was unacceptable and tarnished and she had to live with that fact.

This day was like every other day. She picked up her water pots and headed to the well around noon. As she approached the well she saw a man sitting there and to her dismay he broke a social custom of the time and asked her for a drink of water.

“You are a Jew and I am a Samaritan woman. How can you ask me for a drink?” she asked this stranger who obviously didn’t understand social protocol.

Here’s the rest of the story (John 4:10-30; 29-42 MSG):

Jesus answered, “If you knew the generosity of God and who I am, you would be asking me for a drink, and I would give you fresh, living water.”

The woman said, “Sir, you don’t even have a bucket to draw with, and this well is deep. So how are you going to get this ‘living water’? Are you a better man than our ancestor Jacob, who dug this well and drank from it, he and his sons and livestock, and passed it down to us?”

Jesus said, “Everyone who drinks this water will get thirsty again and again. Anyone who drinks the water I give will never thirst—not ever. The water I give will be an artesian spring within, gushing fountains of endless life.”

The woman said, “Sir, give me this water so I won’t ever get thirsty, won’t ever have to come back to this well again!”

He said, “Go call your husband and then come back.”

“I have no husband,” she said.

“That’s nicely put: ‘I have no husband.’ You’ve had five husbands, and the man you’re living with now isn’t even your husband. You spoke the truth there, sure enough.”

“Oh, so you’re a prophet! Well, tell me this: Our ancestors worshiped God at this mountain, but you Jews insist that Jerusalem is the only place for worship, right?”

“Believe me, woman, the time is coming when you Samaritans will worship the Father neither here at this mountain nor there in Jerusalem. You worship guessing in the dark; we Jews worship in the clear light of day. God’s way of salvation is made available through the Jews. But the time is coming—it has, in fact, come—when what you’re called will not matter and where you go to worship will not matter.

“It’s who you are and the way you live that count before God. Your worship must engage your spirit in the pursuit of truth. That’s the kind of people the Father is out looking for: those who are simply and honestly themselves before him in their worship. God is sheer being itself—Spirit. Those who worship him must do it out of their very being, their spirits, their true selves, in adoration.”

The woman said, “I don’t know about that. I do know that the Messiah is coming. When he arrives, we’ll get the whole story.”

“I am he,” said Jesus. “You don’t have to wait any longer or look any further.”

Just then his disciples came back. They were shocked. They couldn’t believe he was talking with that kind of a woman. No one said what they were all thinking, but their faces showed it.

The woman took the hint and left. In her confusion she left her water pot. Back in the village she told the people, “Come see a man who knew all about the things I did, who knows me inside and out. Do you think this could be the Messiah?” And they went out to see for themselves.

Many of the Samaritans from that village committed themselves to him because of the woman’s witness: “He knew all about the things I did. He knows me inside and out!” They asked him to stay on, so Jesus stayed two days. A lot more people entrusted their lives to him when they heard what he had to say. They said to the woman, “We’re no longer taking this on your say-so. We’ve heard it for ourselves and know it for sure. He’s the Savior of the world!”

Jesus didn’t ask the Samaritan woman to tell him five things about herself He didn’t know. He knew her story and He knows our stories past, present and future. He sees our pain and loneliness. He understands that like the Samaritan woman, we sometimes are shunned by the holy huddles of our day. However, also like the Samaritan woman, Jesus is ready to forgive our iniquities and if we repent and “sin no more” we are redeemed, we are cleansed no longer defined by our past but purified in Christ Jesus. In addition and most importantly, we are instructed to tell others about the healing and freedom we received in Christ. We are essentially filled up to be poured out to others—that’s our role as believers in Christ.

Write down five things about yourself no one knows…well, how about five things about myself I hope you do know about me if you know me personally or follow my blog:

• I am a daughter of the King of Kings
• I am forgiven
• I am restored
• I am loved by God and therefore love deeply
• Even though I falter is some way every day, I ask for forgiveness, pick myself up and in my faith in Christ, I carry on

If like me, the Samaritan woman’s story resonates deeply within you too, go to the well that never runs dry. Don’t waste any more time telling yourself there’s no hope; that you have messed up too much for too long.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

Amen.

C. Deni Johnson