Tag: life

The Face of Reality

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“When you begin looking at your reality in the face, you can begin to face your reality.” cj

Childhood trauma is a vicious predator. My experience with this hunter of peace has been long and arduous. Pretending I’m okay didn’t and doesn’t work, running and attempting to hide from it doesn’t work either. Talking and thinking about it creates inner turmoil and elevated anxiety. I did seek professional counseling in my early twenties and I’m thankful for doing so.

I spent so many years building a life of carefully chosen anonymity—only letting people know me at a very high level. If asked to tell someone 5 things about myself nobody knows, my immediate internal thought process was, “you couldn’t handle it. If you don’t already know it, I’m not telling it.”

I’ve laid my pain at the feet of Jesus countless times only to find myself reaching back for it as if it was some kind of warped security blanket. It’s mine. In all its brokenness and ugliness, it’s my reality. Don’t misunderstand me, there has been tremendous healing over the decades. The Lord has provided so many people and circumstances to show me He is there and He has heard me and knows my inner struggle. But that little girl from so long ago still shows up sometimes unexpectedly and uninvited. But she’s there…beckoning me to look back again, peel back another layer and let it heal. Goodness that’s hard. Especially when I think maybe I’ve moved beyond needing to bring something else into the light—there it is; the tears and fears of that 12-year-old broken little girl find me yet again and show me there’s more—more to heal from—more freedom to be experienced and ultimately shared. I believe one paramount fact I’ve been taught through this journey is the Lord doesn’t bring hope and healing so I can keep it to myself. Not an easy mandate for someone who diligently sought her anonymity for so many years but a necessary act of obedience. I’m not required to share all the shocking and sometimes disgusting details. I’m required to share the victories are from Christ and Christ alone.

O Lord, you have examined me, and you know me.
You alone know when I sit down and when I get up.
You read my thoughts from far away.
You watch me when I travel and when I rest.
You are familiar with all my ways.
Even before there is a single word on my tongue,
you know all about it, Lord.
You are all around me—in front of me and in back of me.
You lay your hand on me.
Such knowledge is beyond my grasp.
It is so high I cannot reach it.

Where can I go to get away from your Spirit?
Where can I run to get away from you?
 If I go up to heaven, you are there.
If I make my bed in hell, you are there.
If I climb upward on the rays of the morning sun
or land on the most distant shore of the sea where the sun sets,
even there your hand would guide me
and your right hand would hold on to me.
If I say, “Let the darkness hide me
and let the light around me turn into night,”
even the darkness is not too dark for you.
Night is as bright as day.
Darkness and light are the same to you.

You alone created my inner being.
You knitted me together inside my mother.
I will give thanks to you
because I have been so amazingly and miraculously made.
Your works are miraculous, and my soul is fully aware of this.
 My bones were not hidden from you
when I was being made in secret,
when I was being skillfully woven in an underground workshop.
Your eyes saw me when I was still an unborn child.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book
before one of them had taken place.
How precious are your thoughts concerning me, O God!
How vast in number they are!
If I try to count them,
there would be more of them than there are grains of sand.
When I wake up, I am still with you.

Psalm 139:1-18 (GW)

C. Deni Johnson

©2026

Fancy That…

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A while back, a dear friend of mine came to visit for a few days. We decided to take a day trip to another city and visit a world-famous museum there.

After we had spent 2-3 hours exploring the inside of the museum, we went outside to take in the beautiful gardens. At this point, we were both ready for a late lunch and decided to eat at a restaurant we had been to once before. We put the information into the GPS and were happy to see we were only about five miles away.

We found a shady place to park, maybe fifteen yards directly across from the restaurant. As we approached, there were people sitting along the outside at bistro tables. At the table closest to the entrance, sat two women who are probably close to our age. One had a locked-in stare, but the other rudely looked us “up and down” in such an exaggerated way it was impossible not to notice. We just walked by and ignored them.

Well, this friend of mine loves to dine alfresco. So, her first question to the hostess is, “can we sit outside?” The answer was yes, so she proceeded to grab two menus, and we turned around and exited right by the two women. And, now you are thinking, surely, they didn’t repeat their brazen behavior again, right?

Now, let me inject some needed information here. Neither my friend nor I were dressed inappropriately. I’m not as fancy as her but I’m not frump woman either. We were wearing clothing appropriate for our age and our destination. We were comfortably stylish given the weather and the fact we would be doing a great deal of walking.

So, as we are heading out the door to our table, my mind is racing. I’m angry at being treated so rudely but hoping it won’t happen again, and we will just let it go. Well, that didn’t happen. The one woman who was the most obnoxious between them, picked up right where she left off and again, began looking us up and down with that crappy little smirk on her face! So, what did I do? I leaned down and as jovially as I could muster, said, “Hi, how are you? How have you been?” Her expression immediately went from complete disapproval to deer in the headlights. She stuttered, “good, you?” I said, “doing great! Good to see you again!”

By this time, the hostess has seated my friend at our table which, of course, was right next to our “new” friends. I’m now back-to-back to the woman I’ve just sent reeling as I’m sure she was trying to figure out who I was and in fact, did I run in her social circles? Anyway, I hope that’s what was going on in her head.

It wasn’t too long before those two were finished with their meal and got up to leave. Because they were behind me, I didn’t have the sightline my friend had. A white Mercedes SUV was parked right in front of us and the beep indicating it was being unlocked sounded. We both figured it belonged to one of the women. But no one approached it to enter.

My friend began to laugh, and I asked what was happening. She said the woman whom I had “visited” with walked across the parking lot and tried to get into a white SUV, realized it wasn’t her car and had to walk back across the parking lot and get in the now unlocked Mercedes which was parked a few feet from her bistro table and right in front of us. Fancy that…

We probably shouldn’t have taken such joy and laughed as hard as we did but to have such immediate justice unfold was amazing! I hope she spent some time trying to figure out who I was but more importantly, I hope that woman, who is old enough to know better, thinks twice before she raises her nose and gives another woman the “once over.”

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1

I wanted to tell both of them what I thought about their behavior but I’m so thankful that I didn’t. I would have played right into their childish, middle school antics and I’m sure come out on the losing end. As it turned out, my friend and I had a good laugh, and who knows, that woman might still be wondering who in the world she was so rude to—fancy that…

C. Deni Johnson

©2025