Everyone creates a shadow when in sunlight or a very well lighted room. However, the shadow I’m speaking of here isn’t about the physics of light interception causing shadows. I’m talking about the impact, the shadow we cast onto others—either positively or negatively.

Some people we know, cast long shadows of affirmation and joy and just being a part of their life brings us such pleasure. But others, either deliberately or unknowingly, cast widespread shadows that can impact us on an immediate basis and sometimes the ripple effect is forever.

The notion of “Shadow Casters” came to my mind recently when I met someone who once lived in my hometown—a town at that time had an estimated population of about 1,200 people—everyone knew everyone, or they thought they did. You see, I have worked very hard to escape some painful shadows of that time and place. I typically hesitate when telling where I was raised not because there is something unsuitable with the town, but because I don’t necessarily want someone to remember me from then. No one realized the impact of a certain shadow cast upon me during those years. As an adult looking back, I can see how the situation changed everything for me for decades. The stress and fear of being labeled a name that became synonymous in school with being stupid was almost more than I could shoulder throughout my entire elementary and high school years and beyond.

Every fall when a new school year was beginning, the stress of meeting my new teacher was agonizing for me. I braced myself for the inevitable question posed by the teacher, “what’s your name?” I would sheepishly say my full name and for years, heard this response, “oh, are you so and so’s little sister?” What I heard was, are you from that family? Are you equally as incapable of learning? Are you stupid too?

Two distinct traits and probably many others, came out of that innocent exchange with teachers and students each year. I became a perfectionist, making an inner vow that I could not and would not ever allow myself to fail. Unfortunately, I didn’t allow myself to truly succeed either. I learned to not bring attention to myself. I wanted to be invisible—I crawled under the radar undetectable to protect myself from a label I didn’t help create and was helpless to eradicate. I shared the same last name—period. Yes, we were related but I wasn’t a sibling. Sadly, family members and others tried to convince the parents of those two children they needed professional help. But their parents refused to accept that fact and consequently, neither of them ever received the help they needed. Both were cruelly labeled and I’m certain, suffered dearly with the isolation and brutality of rejection. God knows, I didn’t want that to be my reality just because I shared a last name.

Yes, I revisit that little girl deep in the recesses of my mind sometimes and I remember how she struggled to find herself, re-find yourself and ultimately redefine herself. She/I am grateful for the prayers of those who undoubtedly were on their knees for me every day praying I would find shelter from myself.

Never underestimate the effects of a shadow…           

Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
    will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

Psalm 91:1-2

C. Deni Johnson

©July 2022