A friend of mine confided in me regarding a very devastating and cruel situation she finds herself in and the helplessness she feels. When I offered to sit down with her in person to just let her vent, cry, whatever she needed to do, she replied that the timing wasn’t good for various reasons and she better put all the pain in a box for a few weeks.
My immediate response was “we need a very big box.”
I have thought about her response—and mine—a lot. At first, I thought how it must be nice to compartmentalize pain—put it away and when ready, pull it back out for contemplation. I have never been able to do that. I typically agonize and suffer until I am exhausted and sometimes have exhausted those around me. I’m not sure which scenario is worse—burying it somewhere deep down until later or wearing it like a new outfit—but I am sure neither is optimal.
There have been many studies conducted and published regarding all the reasons why we are the way we are and thus think, react or retreat the way we do. I’ve personally spent a lifetime examining and reexamining my own life, and truth be told, I’ve attempted to also do that with many of the people in my life.
If you grew up in a family on planet Earth, you arrived at adulthood with your own set of coping skills. Some of those strategies are healthy and some are not. Most, if not all, of our coping strategies we derive from maneuvering through childhood within the walls of our family home. Hopefully, we learn how to give and take, forgive, share, communicate feelings effectively, respect for differences of opinion and personality, appropriate boundaries and so much more.
It’s when these wonderful aspects don’t all exist in your house—and we all know there is no perfect family unit—then we begin to find and create a way to cope with those things out of our control and sometimes are very scary to a child.
Some children will take on the responsibility for sheltering younger siblings from the brunt of the issues. He or she may feel responsible for what’s happening within the family or feel as though they should be able to stop it. Their younger siblings may look to them for comfort and protection from the adults in the home. It’s a heavy burden to shoulder.
An only child will most likely feel responsible for trying to keep the peace and be “an adult” in the situation even though he or she doesn’t have the capacity to do so. An only child may also take on the responsibility to make sure a parent is happy which of course is futile. Perfectionism and performance-ism can become the only child’s way of life.
I’ve been told by a few babies of the family, how they learned to simply stay under the radar and when necessary, even pretend to be asleep to avoid being drug into an unpleasant situation. For them, a lifetime of avoidance can become the preferred norm. Anything to avoid conflict and confrontation.
Some children merely slip into denial and spend the rest of their lives there at some level when it’s easier to do so. The list of possible outcomes is extensive and unique to every family and every individual.
If there was a life-altering event in the family unit, a death, divorce, illness, etc., these are game changers and can alter an entire family’s trajectory.
Sometimes it does take a very big box to hold all the pain. Maybe it’s time to open the box and let light and healing begin to empty it. We are all tired of carrying around our heavy, big box. May we have the courage to begin the process of seeking healing, rest and wholeness from the only source ready and able to provide it—Jesus.
If you, like me, occasionally find yourself stuck, still dealing with painful memories, unmet expectations or whatever is robbing your peace and joy, then swallow your pride and begin the journey of healing. The journey looks different for everyone but don’t go it alone. Find a trusted friend, a pastor or if needed, a licensed counselor.
Peace I leave with you; My [perfect] peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be afraid. [Let My perfect peace calm you in every circumstance and give you courage and strength for every challenge.]
John 14:27 (AMP)
C. Deni Johnson
“Live for today but hold your hands open to tomorrow. Anticipate the future and its changes with joy. There is a seed of God’s love in every event, every circumstance, every unpleasant situation in which you may find yourself.” Barbara Johnson (Author and Speaker)
Right Hand Ministries 