According to statistics collected by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCDAV); on average, almost 20 people per minute suffer physical abuse by an intimate partner in the United States equating to more than 10 million men and women per year. Four in 10 women and 4 in 10 men have experienced at least one form of coercive control by an intimate partner in their lifetime; 17.9% of women have experienced a situation where an intimate partner tried to keep them from seeing family and friends; 18.7% of women have experienced threats of physical harm by an intimate partner; 95% of men who physically abuse their intimate partners also psychologically abuse them.

Can you relate to any of these situations or know someone who can? Please keep reading…

The NCDAV defines domestic violence and psychological abuse as follows:

“The willful intimidation, physical assault, battery, sexual assault, and/or other abusive behavior as part of a systematic pattern of power and control perpetrated by one intimate partner against another. It includes physical violence, sexual violence, threats, and emotional/psychological abuse. The frequency and severity of domestic violence varies dramatically.”

“Psychological abuse involves trauma to the victim caused by verbal abuse, acts, threats of acts, or coercive tactics. Perpetrators use psychological abuse to control, terrorize, and denigrate their victims. It frequently occurs prior to or concurrently with physical or sexual abuse.”

I know personally what domestic abuse looks like and feels like.

As a young girl I saw the aftermath of severe physical beatings inflicted on my aunt by her husband. A few years later, I witnessed firsthand verbal and some physical abuse my own mother endured when her second husband was drinking heavily. As a teenager and young adult, I personally experienced emotional, mental and physical abuse at the hands of my boyfriend whom I married anyway. Why did I stay? Why did my aunt stay? Why did my mom stay? Why does anyone stay? Why not walk away—no, run from the person causing the emotional and physical pain? Every answer to these very rational questions is as unique as the persons experiencing the abuse. However, I do believe there exists some common/shared reasons among us all. It is complex, it’s insidious.

The abuse wasn’t immediate.

For the most part I think we can agree when meeting someone for the first time we tend to be on our best behavior. If we are single and going on a date we are typically very conscious of what we say and do. We want to make a good impression especially if we are attracted to this person.

When Chad (not his real name) first showed interest in me in high school I was a little surprised and flattered. We did the typical date thing for our time—bowling, movies, skating, etc. It was lighthearted and fun.

Probably after a year of being boyfriend/girlfriend the lightheartedness of the relationship began to change ever so gradually. Chad began insisting on knowing where I was at all times because he was so concerned about me. I told myself, “wow, he really does care about me!” By year two his concern was also including wanting to know who was I talking to and why? Around this same timeframe he no longer wanted me to hang out with my girlfriends. He would tell me something along the lines that if I really loved him I’d want to spend all my free time with him not others. Chad’s rationale was that he wanted to spend all his free time with me so if I didn’t want the same, then I must not really love him and we should break up. Then he would sulk and pretend he was crushed by the situation. Chad was a master manipulator and knew when and how to play the pity+break-up card until he got the outcome he desired.

Things got worse. Much worse.

Two plus years in Chad began making unfounded accusations about my desire to date other guys. I never knew when this irrational accusation would happen. Because it was not based on any truth, he would spring such an allegation on me without provocation or warning. His indictment was so vehement it was frightening. Why? Why without cause would someone launch into such a tirade over a nonexistent issue? Control.

Unfortunately, I began the process of convincing my sane self that this must be love—I knew better but now my heart was in it. Subtly, gradually, he was wanting to control every aspect of my life. He had somehow gotten into my head—I was spending an inordinate amount of time just trying to make sure I didn’t upset him—the wrath was moving from psychological to physical. Why did I stay?

Over time I realize now how I gave up my self-respect, my self-worth and my identity. It was a slow brainwashing of sorts. Most brainwashing is or we’d walk away. I allowed Chad to chip away my sense of self. I was being manipulated by someone who was irrationally aggressive. I became entangled with someone who found great pleasure in hurting me emotionally and eventually physically. Honestly, he seemed to delight in it—my tears surely made him feel powerful and triumphant. Why did I stay?

Domestic abuse/violence is or usually is, multi-faceted. The layers of mistreatment are added on one-step-at-a-time. Looking back, I realize how Chad would “try out” a new angle, a new accusation to see if it worked—testing its effectiveness in making me give up more control to him. After a while I found myself resolving it was better to apologize for something I didn’t do, agree with something I didn’t agree with in order to avoid his rage due to my disobedience. I was invisible—I ceased to exist. I was breathing but not truly alive.

If what I’ve said so far sounds familiar to you either personally or you know someone whom you believe is a victim of domestic abuse please keep reading. The following information is from the National Domestic Violence Hotline website (https://www.thehotline.org):

Domestic violence does not discriminate. Anyone of any race, age, sexual orientation, religion or gender can be a victim – or perpetrator – of domestic violence. It can happen to people who are married, living together or who are dating. It affects people of all socioeconomic backgrounds and education levels.

Domestic violence includes behaviors that physically harm, arouse fear, prevent a partner from doing what they wish or force them to behave in ways they do not want. It includes the use of physical and sexual violence, threats and intimidation, emotional abuse and economic deprivation. Many of these different forms of domestic violence/abuse can be occurring at any one time within the same intimate relationship.

Warning Signs of Domestic Violence

It’s not always easy to tell at the beginning of a relationship if it will become abusive.

In fact, many abusive partners may seem absolutely perfect in the early stages of a relationship. Possessive and controlling behaviors don’t always appear overnight, but rather emerge and intensify as the relationship grows.

Domestic violence doesn’t look the same in every relationship because every relationship is different. But one thing most abusive relationships have in common is that the abusive partner does many different kinds of things to have more power and control over their partner.

Some of the signs of an abusive relationship include a partner who:

• Tells you that you can never do anything right
• Shows extreme jealousy of your friends and time spent away
• Keeps you or discourages you from seeing friends or family members
• Insults, demeans or shames you with put-downs
• Controls every penny spent in the household
• Takes your money or refuses to give you money for necessary expenses
• Looks at you or acts in ways that scare you
• Controls who you see, where you go, or what you do
• Prevents you from making your own decisions
• Tells you that you are a bad parent or threatens to harm or take away your children
• Prevents you from working or attending school
• Destroys your property or threatens to hurt or kill your pets
• Intimidates you with guns, knives or other weapons
• Pressures you to have sex when you don’t want to or do things sexually you’re not comfortable with
• Pressures you to use drugs or alcohol

The following are common warning signs of each type of abuse. Experiencing even one or two of these behaviors in a relationship is a red flag that abuse may be present. Remember, each type of abuse is serious, and no one deserves to experience abuse of any kind, for any reason. If you have concerns about what’s happening in your relationship contact https://thehotline.org to talk to someone who will listen and support you!

Physical Abuse:

You may be experiencing physical abuse if your partner has done or repeatedly does any of the following tactics of abuse:

• • Pulling your hair, punching, slapping, kicking, biting or choking you
  • Forbidding you from eating or sleeping
  • Hurting you with weapons
  • Preventing you from calling the police or seeking medical attention
  • Harming your children
  • Abandoning you in unfamiliar places
  • Driving recklessly or dangerously when you are in the car with them
  • Forcing you to use drugs or alcohol (especially if you’ve had a substance abuse problem in the past)

Emotional Abuse:

You may be in an emotionally/verbally abusive relationship if you partner exerts control through:

• • Calling you names, insulting you or continually criticizing you
  • Refusing to trust you and acting jealous or possessive
  • Trying to isolate you from family or friends
  • Monitoring where you go, who you call and who you spend time with
  • Demanding to know where you are every minute
  • Trapping you in your home or preventing you from leaving
  • Using weapons to threaten to hurt you
  • Punishing you by withholding affection
  • Threatening to hurt you, the children, your family or your pets
  • Damaging your property when they’re angry (throwing objects, punching walls, kicking doors, etc.)
  • Humiliating you in any way
  • Blaming you for the abuse
  • Gaslighting (follow link for more info on gaslighting)
  • Accusing you of cheating and being often jealous of your outside relationships
  • Serially cheating on you and then blaming you for his or her behavior
  • Cheating on you intentionally to hurt you and then threatening to cheat again
  • Cheating to prove that they are more desired, worthy, etc. than you are
  • Attempting to control your appearance: what you wear, how much/little makeup you wear, etc.
  • Telling you that you will never find anyone better, or that you are lucky to be with a person like them

Financial Abuse:

Economic or financial abuse is when an abusive partner extends their power and control into the area of finances. This abuse can take different forms, including an abusive partner:

• • Giving an allowance and closely watching how you spend it or demanding receipts for purchases
  • Placing your paycheck in their bank account and denying you access to it
  • Preventing you from viewing or having access to bank accounts
  • Forbidding you to work or limiting the hours that you can work
  • Maxing out credit cards in your name without permission or not paying the bills on credit cards, which could ruin your credit score
  • Stealing money from you or your family and friends
  • Using funds from children’s savings accounts without your permission
  • Living in your home but refusing to work or contribute to the household
  • Making you give them your tax returns or confiscating joint tax returns
  • Refusing to give you money to pay for necessities/shared expenses like food, clothing, transportation, or medical care and medicine

(The website contains so much more information which may also be relevant to you or someone you know. The above is simply a sample of the vast content available.)

I truly wish I could have gotten my hands on this type of information during my relationship with Chad. (Side note here, it was the seventies. There was no internet.) I did go to the high school counselor once. I told him what I was experiencing—at least enough that I thought he might help me. He put some different colored cards in front of me, told me to rank them by my favorite to least favorite—made a few notes and we were done. No follow up—nothing. In my naiveté at the time I thought I was letting various adults know I was in trouble but apparently no one picked up on it or I was doing a very poor job of crying for help. People just thought I was crying; was even voted by my classmates as the girl who cried a lot.

There was a reason for those tears. Don’t ignore your own tears and don’t ignore the tears of someone else.

Why did I stay in such a volatile situation for as long as I did? I lost myself—I was disoriented. I had walked the tightrope so long I didn’t know how to do anything else. I had been in survival mode so long I had no idea who I was let alone who I could be—who God had created me to be.

Relational abuse/violence can happen to anyone. Maybe some of us are more vulnerable than others—I’m not sure. I am absolutely sure there is not one person on this earth who has the right to abuse you or me.

Abuse is not love. Abuse is cruel, demeaning and dangerous. Abuse can be multigenerational destroying lives for generations to come.

I pray courage over you. Courage to seek safety for you and your children.

The National Domestic Hotline number is 1−800−799−7233. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence website is: https://ncadv.org

Teach me how to live, O Lord.
Lead me along the right path,
for my enemies are waiting for me.
Do not let me fall into their hands.
For they accuse me of things I’ve never done;
with every breath they threaten me with violence.
Yet I am confident I will see the Lord’s goodness
while I am here in the land of the living.

 Wait patiently for the Lord.
Be brave and courageous.
Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.

Psalm 27:11-14 (NLT)

Blessings and Peace,

C. Deni Johnson

September 2019