Month: April 2017

One of my closest friends recently returned from a trip to Sweden. It’s a long story but the gist is her daughter was selected to participate in a Swedish television show last summer. The show is about Americans finding their Swedish relatives and along the journey participate in various competitions. Anyway, through the course of this program, my friend’s daughter was introduced to several of their relatives who invited them to come to Sweden for a family reunion of sorts.

A few days after my friend returned home, she called and we talked about her trip. She said it was a wonderful experience and her Swedish relatives were all extremely gracious and welcoming. She made a reference about how cool it was to connect to family—family who, before last summer she didn’t even know existed. As soon as we ended our phone call I felt the need to write these words: I realize once again how important it is to feel connected—connected to people who are, by blood, connected to us.

Needing to feel connected is nothing new to me and it’s not new to you either. We all need to connect to other people. We were never intended to live in isolation—we are not made to live solitary lives. But given my circumstances, I had to explore my initial thoughts about needing a blood connection.

As an only child I obviously never had a sibling relationship. However, I did have a lot of extended family on both sides and growing up I felt a bond to a few of them—not a strong connection—but a connection nonetheless. But with the loss of my dad when I was twelve, and the remarriage of my mother by the time I was fourteen, I slowly lost almost all communication with my dad’s side of the family. And with the existence of widespread emotional cutoff in my mother’s family, it was easy to lose touch with most of them. As I approached my early teens, I began forming strong friendship bonds with a select few girlfriends and I became like an “extra” child within their families—I was made to feel like a part of their family even to the point of being invited to go on vacation with them a few times. Looking back I felt connected but I knew deep down, I wasn’t one of them—I was welcomed but I “belonged” somewhere else to someone else.

After a rough beginning in my early twenties, I found the love of my life, we married and had two beautiful children—a son then a daughter. Five years into our marriage we moved to Texas. Shortly thereafter, I was able to stay home and raise our children. I cherished my role as a stay-at-home mom.

So fast forward and here I am, married for over thirty years, both children are married and have families of their own. Funny, how that happens. You spend your youthful adult years raising children and then one day, you have to let them go—that’s what it means to raise a family—we raise them to launch them but I found it not only redefined our nuclear family unit, it redefined my role as a mom in ways I didn’t and couldn’t see coming.

The void created with the onset of my empty nest was tough. It took a few years but my old adversary “aloneness” crept back into my consciousness when I no longer had the day-to-day interaction with my children. I found that simply getting busy didn’t help—this was a deep sense of being alone—not lonely but alone. I found myself thinking about myself as an orphan—a lot. One synonym of the word orphan is stray which is interesting to me because the word stray can refer to losing one’s way, to drift. Have you ever felt like you have somehow lost your way? Do you ever feel like you are merely drifting through each day all alone? It was during this very difficult time that I had the following experience and I pray that in sharing this story you are encouraged.

Jen and I were attending a monthly mentor leadership meeting. As is customary, after the meeting anyone who desires prayer takes a seat in the middle of the room and everyone else gathers around and prays over her. Jen asked to be prayed over that morning. After we finished praying but before she got up from the chair, she asked where I was, was I still there? I said “I’m right here” then she said “I believe the Lord wants me to tell you “you are not an orphan.” The moment she spoke those words I fell to my knees and sobbed almost uncontrollably. There was no human explanation as to why Jen would speak those words…I had never shared with Jen or anyone else how I felt like an orphan…how alone I have felt much of my life. God met me where I was that day and through Jen, reassured me I am not an orphan, I am not alone.

Now back to my thought “I realize once again how important it is to feel connected—connected to people who are, by blood, connected to us.” Biological family ties can be wonderful, rich relationships. They can also be difficult and heartbreaking. Thankfully, we are not, as Jesus followers, limited to our bio families for blood connections. We are, as believers in Jesus, connected to each other through our salvation, our new birth—we are brothers and sisters—heirs through the blood of Christ.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! By his great mercy he gave us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, that is, into an inheritance imperishable, undefiled, and unfading. 1 Peter 1:3-4 (NET)

How thankful I am that Jesus looked upon this only child and knew I would want/need connections that extended well beyond my familial ties. He has so graciously provided those all my life. And when those tough days come and I feel like an orphan—a little lost and alone—I know that I know I am not! I am sealed in the blood of Christ. I am not alone! Amen.

C. Deni Johnson

Growing up in a very, very small town has its advantages and its challenges. The advantages include relative safety and a strong sense of community. Challenges can be macro or micro in nature depending upon your age and situation. One challenge I endured and was shaped by was my last name.

Now my last name in and of itself really wasn’t a big deal. It wasn’t particularly common but not the kind of name you expect to be teased over either unless you have two cousins who are older than yourself that share your last name. And these two cousins have created a persona around your last name that is less than desirable. This was the case for me and as I look back on it, I can see how much it impacted me from the time I entered elementary school until I was out of high school.

From the time I was about five, my mother told me stories about how these two cousins were mercilessly teased about our last name and how they both failed every class in school. Now, I was a quiet, shy little girl. The thought of being made fun of for any reason let alone my last name was horrifying. I couldn’t change my name although I can tell you I asked my mom if we could. How sad. I just wanted to be me—not automatically presumed to be just one more                          coming up the ranks of the school system. The older cousin was much older and was in high school when I began first grade. However, the other was just two years older than myself and she failed a grade so that meant she was just one year ahead of me in school. If she was held back again, we would be in the same grade.

I began first grade as a hypervigilant 6 year old and remained in that state through high school and beyond. The first day of each school year was the same. Each new teacher’s first question was “oh, are you                    ‘s little sister?” To which I would quickly say, “no, she is my cousin” and shamefully, I would also say, “she’s adopted.” (She was, they both were.) I’m sure those teachers thought it was odd that I would make such a statement but I grew tired of believing I had to prove myself over and over and over. Prove I was capable of making good grades, prove I was capable of behaving myself in class and otherwise, prove I was worthy of acceptance and respect. This one issue was a primary catalyst that set into motion a lifetime of trying to prove I am worthy of acceptance.

I believed I had to be the perfect student making perfect scores on everything—every effort had to manifest into a perfect score. I made an inner vow that I would prove to my teacher and everyone else that I was smart. I memorized volumes of material as I got older in order to regurgitate it on test papers. However, I also felt like I needed to stay in the background—not draw too much attention to myself. I believed if I made straight A’s and remained below the radar so to speak, I could avoid being made fun of simply because of my last name.

Now this story may sound crazy to some of you. But I bet there are a few of you who can relate. It may not be your last name that was the impetus of your childhood anxiety but you can relate to being an approval addict always striving for perfection—always performing. Perhaps like me, you remember sometimes feeling like you were watching yourself go through life as if you were watching a TV program or a play.

I found myself prompted to share this story with a young woman the other day. First time I had recounted it in a while—it may very well have been the first time I have told it. As I was hearing the words come out of my mouth I realized again how sad the whole story really is and how tormented I felt as a little girl through early adulthood and beyond. Thankfully, I came to realize I am called to live not perform.

I believe if we perform too long we can lose ourselves. A day can come when we are no longer able to distinguish our authentic selves from the performer and our life can feel very empty and meaningless. If you find yourself in this situation there is only one answer—Jesus.

And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death—even death on a cross!

Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name,  that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth,  and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. Phil 2:8-11

You see, the name of Jesus is above every name. We are not called to be perfect or attempt to perform our way through life. We are simply called to bow down and acknowledge that Jesus is our Lord and Savior. When we begin to bow down and call on the name of Jesus we find the strength through Christ to step down off the tightrope.

In case you are wondering, no, I really never did get “branded” because I shared the same last name with my cousins. I have only one memory of someone referring to me using the hurtful label. What did happen is that I wasted a lot of time worrying about it happening. I held myself back socially, drove myself incessantly over obtaining excellent scores in school and secretly carried the burden of fear and anger over this for years.

You see, I so desperately wanted to be accepted by my peers and by the adults in my life, I falsely believed I had to perform at an impeccable level in order for that to happen. I allowed an extraneous situation to permeate my daily life and literally change how I lived.

If anything has caused or is causing you to believe you will never measure up please know this is a lie and you were never intended to live a life striving for perfection. We are not to strive for relevance but righteousness.

Whoever pursues righteousness and love finds life, prosperity and honor. Proverbs 21:21

Yes, there is power in a name and that name girlfriend, is Jesus. Amen.

C. Deni Johnson