Given the time and place where I attended school there were basically two (cool) school-sanctioned, extra-curricular activity options for girls—cheerleading and basketball. I’m sure there were a few other fine opportunities but for me, at the time, I believed there were just these two.
Being a cheerleader wasn’t in the cards because you had to do all kinds of jumps and cartwheels and be, well, “cheerful.” I never could learn how to do a simple cartwheel and it appeared that being popular didn’t hurt when it came tryout time—I wasn’t unpopular but cheerleader popular—hardly.
So from the age of 10 or so, basketball was my thing—sort of. I wanted to be good at basketball but I really had no idea how to be good. I knew practice was important but that was boring and since I lived on a farm, a concrete surface was non-existent. Learning to dribble on gravel isn’t much fun since I spent a lot of time chasing down the ball after bouncing it off a big rock. I didn’t have a standard basketball goal either. My goal was homemade with plywood and wasn’t regulation height. I did have a regulation rim and ball. However, the lack of ideal conditions wasn’t really the issue for my lack of practice. I wanted to be a good basketball player but I had lots of other interests and focusing on one thing was difficult back then—it still is.
Interestingly, fifth grade was when students could try out for basketball and actually play real games against other schools. I remember standing in the gym the day the team was chosen. We lined up against a wall and the coach stood there with those precious jersey shirts and shorts in his hand. There were only so many to hand out and there were more of us than them. He called each girl’s name and soon the team roster was complete. I can still remember the agony waiting for my name to be called—then it was, sort of. I guess maybe because he felt sorry for me, the coach let me “share a suit” with another girl. She got to suit up for half of the games and I got to suit up for the other half. I wasn’t out, but I wasn’t exactly in either. I would sit on the bench sometimes wearing a team jersey sometimes in my street clothes. I would only go into the game if we were ahead by 20 or winning the game was hopeless.
This scenario played out over the course of the next 6 years until my senior year of high school. I practiced more between my junior and senior year than ever before and I did it on a concrete basketball court with a regulation height goal. I knew my skills had improved tremendously after spending 2-3 hours a day on my game.
I didn’t try out for the team.
After putting so much effort into getting better I simply couldn’t bear the thought of either not making the team or sitting on the bench another year. Also, the coach I’d been playing for resigned and a new coach would be evaluating everyone’s skill level. I simply had no confidence in my ability and the fear of more rejection outweighed the work I had done. I longed to be good at something and yet, sabotaged my opportunity to prove I had made significant progress.
Can you relate? Have you ever purposely sabotaged an opportunity out of the fear of rejection or failure? Sidelining yourself to avoid potentially being sidelined by someone else?
I wish I could say the basketball story is my only personal example of sidelining myself but honestly, I’ve benched myself over and over in order to avoid potential rejection, failure and even success. With the skill of a circus tightrope walker, I’ve balanced myself between the fear of success and the fear of failure—a benchwarmer taking comfort in just cheering for others knowing I won’t have the chance to fail but sadly, the truth is I won’t ever really have a chance to succeed either.
I guess it comes down to this—focus versus fear. Where do we place our focus and what are we to do with our fear?
First of all know that fear is derived from the pit of hell. Scripture tells us that our loving God hasn’t given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline (1 Timothy 1:7). Secondly, scripture is also clear on where we are to place our focus:
Those who think they can do it on their own end up obsessed with measuring their own moral muscle but never get around to exercising it in real life. Those who trust God’s action in them find that God’s Spirit is in them—living and breathing God! Obsession with self in these matters is a dead end; attention to God leads us out into the open, into a spacious, free life. Focusing on the self is the opposite of focusing on God. Anyone completely absorbed in self ignores God, ends up thinking more about self than God. That person ignores who God is and what he is doing. And God isn’t pleased at being ignored. Romans 8:5-8 (The Message)
No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us. Philippians 3:13-14 (NLT)
That’s why, when I heard of the solid trust you have in the Master Jesus and your outpouring of love to all the followers of Jesus, I couldn’t stop thanking God for you—every time I prayed, I’d think of you and give thanks. But I do more than thank. I ask—ask the God of our Master, Jesus Christ, the God of glory—to make you intelligent and discerning in knowing him personally, your eyes focused and clear, so that you can see exactly what it is he is calling you to do, grasp the immensity of this glorious way of life he has for his followers, oh, the utter extravagance of his work in us who trust him—endless energy, boundless strength! Ephesians 1:15-19 (The Message)
Clearly by reading just these few examples and there are many more, our Heavenly Father tells us to focus on him and his plans for our lives. If we focus on ourselves then only our limitations either perceived or real will guide us and we may find we’ve traded the “spacious and free life” planned for us for a life spent on the bench—a life not fully lived. We are called to run the race, to get in the game, not stand or sit on the sideline and cheer others as they go by. Sure we should always encourage others along the way but we must fully embrace our God-given journey—we were not created to spend our lives waiting to go into the game. We are fully capable as daughters and sons of the Most High to suit up—our names have been called, we are on the starting team.
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10 (NIV)
C. Deni Johnson
Right Hand Ministries 