“I don’t think she considers you at all.”
This statement made to me many years ago by a friend at church was profoundly insightful at the time albeit painful to hear. Michelle (not her real name) and I had been talking for a few hours over lunch when I got the nerve to ask a question I’d been pondering for a while. I expressed my frustration over not being able to connect with another woman at church and I simply couldn’t understand why she refused to engage in a conversation and seemed to basically ignore me at all costs. I asked Michelle if she thought this particular woman considered me to be “so and so’s” friend and not hers? Without hesitation Michelle simply said, “I don’t think she considers you at all.”
If Michelle knew the impact of her comment that day I’ll never know but I can tell you it did affect me deeply. I had to take a hard look at why I cared if this woman considered me a friend or not. Did I really need to be accepted by everyone—did my sense of significance (worth, importance, value) somehow rely on other people’s acceptance or rejection of me? If the answer was yes then what did that say about my relationship with the Lord? Did I really believe what scripture says about who I am in Christ? If so, why wasn’t that enough? Why did that eight word declarative sentence rock me to the core?
Perhaps the simple answer is that I needed to go on a journey with the Lord and this was the impetus He used to get my attention. That was roughly 20 years ago now. I can tell you I’m still on the journey but thankfully I have made some progress.
First, I had to honestly consider my motive. Why did I care if this woman kept me at arm’s length? This is the painful part—because she was considered important. She was highly esteemed as a “good” girl and incredibly talented in many ways which garnered her many accolades. I saw myself as the antithesis of her. I believe in my mind feeling rejected by her simply validated those personal negative feelings I carried with me everywhere. I told you it was painful—it was also ugly but true. It had nothing to with her, it had everything to do with me and I had work to do. I was in search of significance, healing and forgiveness. Childhood grief combined with years of abuse during my teens and early twenties had taken a toll. The Lord was at work and I was on the threshing floor.
The threshing floor was a place of extrication. God knew I needed freedom from myself. I was my own worst enemy and easy prey for the devil’s relentless attacks. Even though I had physically closed some dark chapters in my life I couldn’t or wouldn’t stop reading the text. I still mentally defined myself as unworthy of love, unworthy of blessings and unworthy of forgiveness.
My story wasn’t pretty and I could never change the facts but the Lord began showing me I was not merely human refuse to be discarded. In spite of circumstances and choices I could have a fresh beginning, I could still be used in the Kingdom of God. What I considered as “deal breaker mistakes” forever condemning me to self-define as being less than, the Lord began revealing through His Word that He didn’t see me that way. I was and am His creation worthy of His love and His forgiveness—I am significant to Him.
Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows. (Matthew 10:29-31 ESV)
Christ had already redeemed all my iniquities—past, present and future. Thankfully, He no longer considered them at all…
C. Deni Johnson
Right Hand Ministries 