“He knows everything about me.” This is a statement a young woman recently said to me as she was trying to justify to herself why she should allow the father of her child back into their lives. A man who has a known drug issue, has spent time in jail and currently has a warrant out for his arrest. This is the same man my friend fought successfully a year ago to have his parental rights terminated because he never paid child support and rarely made an attempt to see his child.

On the surface it seems pretty cut and dry to me and probably to you also. As I sat and listened to her talk I was dumbfounded. From my perspective, this is a “no brainer” decision. No way should she step back into this man’s world.

This young woman has come so far in her journey with the Lord. She has made so much progress at least that’s what I thought. She has been given new direction filled with hope and promise of a better life for herself and her child. But she’s on the brink of walking back into the muck and mire. Why?

After a lot of prayer and going back over her words in my head I think the real reason is that she’s never fully accepted her new identity in Christ. I can relate. I too kept walking back into the pit for many years because deep down I guess I believed that’s where I belonged. Actually accepting the fact that I was a new creation (2 Cor. 5:17) was too difficult; it seemed too simple to be true. Accepting my identity in Christ eluded me for years. I could not or would not grasp the concept of its simplicity and continued to feel unworthy of a fresh start. Surely there was more to it than that but there isn’t.

I believe the further we climb into a sinful pit the harder the climb out becomes in our minds. The enemy has so much ammunition so to speak to use to convince us we have gone too far, that we must accept our lot in life as pit-dwellers. The fear of actually accepting a new given purity in Christ is difficult to fathom. Jesus says take my hand and I’ll pull you up out of the pit and give you a new life. Satan says no one will accept you up there, it’s safer in the pit where everyone knows what you’ve done; you aren’t rejected here.

And there it is—fear of rejection. We shudder at the thought of full disclosure. What if I meet someone who seems to be the kind of person I’ve only dreamed about having in my life and what if he can’t handle what I’ve done and walks away? I can tell you anyone who has spent time in the pit fears the confirmation by non-pit-dwellers that indeed we are less than, unworthy of acceptance by “good” people because of the choices we’ve made. I’ve come to believe given my own past and listening to the stories of many women over the years, this is a key factor in the decision to remain in the mire instead of walking in the light. We tell ourselves that if we stay connected to the people who are living in the ditch with us, we don’t feel judged and there’s no disclosure because they’ve personally witnessed it all or at least a lot—it feels safe. It isn’t.

Jesus didn’t die on the cross so you and I would continue to wander in the bar ditches of this world. No, He died on a cross for all my sins and all your sins, past/present/and future. Not just the fluffy stuff but the nasty stuff too. Girlfriend, you are two decisions away from changing your todays and tomorrows. The most important decision is to accept Christ as your personal savior if you have never done so. If you are a born again believer, the next decision is to accept your new identity in Christ. I wish I could tell you how easy the latter of these decisions is but as stated earlier, it is not. Accepting our value as daughters of the King is a moment-to-moment decision we make daily for the rest of our lives.

As the journey from the bar ditch to the paved road of freedom begins, two things may happen. First, people in the ditch will envy our desire for something different and may turn on us and attempt to make us feel arrogant and lofty for wanting a better way of life. Secondly, we may very well encounter other Christians who are shocked by our stories and for a moment, all our fears regarding rejection and lack of worth flood over us like a typhoon. Unfortunately, many of us who have climbed up out of our pits have experienced rejection in the church. The key, in my opinion, is to be very careful who we offer full disclosure to, not everyone can handle our past and that’s okay. Either way, don’t look back, don’t turn back. Don’t let anyone pull you back into the muck and mire or push you back into it.

“He knows everything about me” is a true statement. However, the he is Christ. He does know everything about each of us and He still loves us unconditionally. He knew us before we were born (Psalm 139:13) and He says we are his work of art, his masterpiece. (Ephesians 2:10)

Dare to leave the past behind once and for all time. Learn from it, serve others from it but don’t be a slave to it. We are redeemed, restored and called to walk the path Jesus has set forth for us not crawl in the ditch. Amen!

C. Deni Johnson