Recently I had the privilege to co-lead a small, intimate overnight retreat for six young women ranging in age from 24 to 35. As our evening began to unfold and everyone began engaging in conversation a common thread emerged among these girls. We were talking about trusting the Lord and how trust is a difficult thing for many of us—especially those of us who struggle with being control freaks.

As the conversation deepened, one of the girls said she believes her trust issues derive from her relationship with her dad or the lack thereof. Another girl quickly chimed in that she too believes her battle with trusting others as well as the Lord is at least partially due to her dad not being a part of her life. Every girl seemed to agree either in theory or personally that not having her dad in her life or not having a loving, trusting relationship with her dad has or would impact her ability to trust others—even the Lord.

I wasn’t surprised by these analogies given my dad was killed in a car accident when I was 12 years old and my life was radically changed from that moment forward. I know personally how important a dad’s love is and how difficult it is to grow up without the guidance and love of your dad. So, is there a correlation between losing, not ever knowing or not having a good relationship with our earthly fathers and the ability to trust our Heavenly Father and others?

There is no doubt in my mind our life experiences mold and shape each of us and we are to some extent the sum total of those experiences. We learn to avoid or seek out certain circumstances and people depending upon past experiences and relationships. But if we just focus on one important relationship the father/daughter bond, I believe there is an innate desire within every little girl to be the apple of her daddy’s eye. In other words, we desire to feel important to and protected by—I believe we first desire these two things from our earthly dads and ultimately must seek and accept them from our Heavenly Father.

“Keep me as the apple of your eye, hide me in the shadow of your wings.” (Psalm 17:8)

So does the relationship between a girl and her dad have a permanent impact on her ability to trust others and most importantly, the Lord? Are we doomed to walk this earth fearful, unable to trust anyone even Jesus, if we didn’t have our dad in our lives growing up, or he was there but absent/not engaged or he was abusive, critical, overbearing? Thankfully the answer is no.

No matter how difficult or heartbreaking the relationship was/is with our dad, we must decide to move beyond the brokenness and stop embracing it. I’m not saying block it out and pretend it didn’t happen—just the opposite. I’m saying we have to make a daily decision to embrace who we are in Christ. We are not alone. We are not fatherless (Psalm 68:5), our Heavenly Father is, always has been and always will be our protector; we are important to Him—as a believer we are His child!

I lift up my eyes to the mountains—where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip—he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord watches over you—the Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all harm—he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore. (Psalm 121:1-8)

One final thought…one of the most important things we must do whether our dad is alive or not is to forgive him. Forgive him for dying (Yes, I had to do that. Sounds crazy but I was angry for years after he died), forgive him for leaving your family and not being a part of your life, forgive him for his shortcomings as a dad, perhaps you must forgive him for abusing you in ways you simply can’t talk about. Whatever it was or is—forgive him.

Next, understand our significance, acceptance, security and ability to trust comes from the Lord. So if like me, you struggle with any or all of these issues, Jesus is waiting to transform your life.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5-6)

Those who know your name trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you. (Psalm 9:10)

The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him. (Psalm 28:7)

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. (Romans 12:2)

C. Deni Johnson